


Potatoes

by whatwhatinthebutt (OniPanda379)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, Weird Plot Shit, implied sex with food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-31 20:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3991705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OniPanda379/pseuds/whatwhatinthebutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chaos. Prussia loved chaos. He loved it even more when his uptight brother was the target of his shenanigans. He left a surprise for his dear brother; on his bed. Man on an he could NOT wait to get that taped for his blog!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Potatoes

**Author's Note:**

> Shoving this on my NSFW archive because this is just plain embarrassing. This is what was left of my Hetalia phase but I still get a giggle from it.

As per usual, the world meetings ended in utter chaos. Prussia liked chaos. It made him moist in special places. Also as per usual, since Prussia needs his fix of chaos every few hours, he left a special present for his dearest brother. Excited in more ways than one, he hurried home to set up a video camera. It was SO going to go on his AWESOME blog.

Prussia lounged around the living room, feet propped up on the table. He browsed his porn collection on the DVR while he waited for his brother to get home. The poor dear always had to clean up after te meetings. Prussia almost felt bad for him… Wait, who was he kidding? He was too AWESOME to feel bad for other people! Far too AWESOME you know?

Finally, after his session of cackling madly for no other reason than it was just that totally AWESOME, his brother walked through the front door. And like any proper roommate and brother, he left his porn to play while hanging over the back of the couch.

"Heeeey, brohaus! It's about time you got home!" He called into the hall way.

"Shut up Prussia unless you want me to do it FOR you." Germany took off his shoes and coat, placing them in the alphabetically organized coat closet.

"Aw, my poor little unawesome bruder is all moody and angry! How about a nice … lay down?" Prussia "failed" to suppress his own amusement. He was just so funny, you know?

"I shall ignore your blatant sexually charged comment." As the foil or Prussia's crass and rather rude personality, Germany walked his stiff bottom to his room. Oh boy, now all Prussia had to do was wait. So to keep busy has his video camera filled with totally AWESOME material, Prussia frolicked off to go bug fancypants Austria, cause that is so much fun and AWESOME.

A few hours later and with a slight AWESOME bruise to his right cornea, Prussia made his way home. It was probably too soon to come home but he was bored. So, Prussia made his way upstairs. He heard the shower running. Good, that gave him a chance to get his camera. Carefully he stole away into Germany's room. Like an AWESOME ninja, of course, he took his camera then fled to his AWESOME room down in the basement.

Now it was time for the good part of this shitty story.

Prussia put camera's memory card into his totally AWESOME computer. He could feel the excitement always in his pants. He pressed play while he sat back to let the ensuing hilarity that he, the AWESOME Prussia was about to witness, engulf him.

" _HOLY—WHY THE HELL IS THERE A … POTATO ON MY BED!"_

A large potato, the size of Russia's left nu- Ahem,  _Pluto_  that is, sat on Germany's bed. It was dressed in rather revealing sexy lingerie. A crudely drawn pair of seductive lips and eyes on it, It's starchy body seemed to be ready for something…something big. Oh boy, would it be big.

" _I…I am highly aroused by this majestic creature. I mean vegetable. I must stick my manly meat stick into it"_

Prussia leaned back, letting out a totally AWESOME howl of laughter. He knew where this was going. Screw the blog, this is going on brazzers.


	2. Potatoes the Sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prussia is at it again. He is in need of his next fix. This time he's enlisted the help of Spain and France. How will he use them to get past a most fearsome obstacle? Will he get the footage of a life time? There is only one way to find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You xan bet your ass I made another one.

Prussia sat back on his haunches, peering through a hole in the bush before him. Shiny new binoculars pressed to his eyes. On either side of him sat his minions. A sex crazed weirdo and a tomato loving moron. At this very moment he felt like a badass master spy. He even had the black stocking cap on his head. Man, if he could play his own theme music, he totally would. How AWESOME would that be?

But alas, he couldn't bring attention to himself or else he would get caught. He didn't have 'get maimed by a crazy frying pan toting barbarian lady' on his list of  _AWESOME Things To Do Today_. Because that is so totally _not_ AWESOME.

For you see, he was going to pull an AWESOME prank on that wimpy, caking humping aristocrat. He couldn't resistpulling one over on the old damp towel that was Austria whenever he was in town. It was like… he HAD to. Or he would die or something. And dying is just so not AWESOME.

Now back to his spy movie worthy shenanigans. Prussia focused his binoculars on the living room window of the house across the street from him. He could see the "fancy" crap Austria horded in there. Pft, it may look fancy but it was all cheapo crap. But whatever, that's not important.

What  _was_ important was the obstacle he had to overcome. This obstacle being in the form of that annoying Hungary. With her stupid man hands and stupid frying pan… If he weren't as AWESOME as he was, he would be dead from all the physical abuse. All thanks to Man Hands and her stupid cookware. She was walking back and forth by the window, like some frilly bodyguard.

Prussia let the binoculars hang around his neck then grabbed his posse by the collar. Dragging them away from the bushes they hid behind. It was time to plan his attack.

They huddled in a circle behind a large tree some ways away from the street in an empty lot. "Okay boys here's what we're going to do. France, Spain, you two are going to be cannon fodder."

"Sexy cannon fodder, oui?" France bit his lip as if the idea was giving him an orgasm. Man, this guy is creepy and kind of gross. Totally unAWESOME to the max. "Sure France. Whatever saves my AWESOME face from getting smeared on the floor."

"Can we have churros after?" Prussia patted Spain's head. "If you manage to live through this, you can have  _all_  the churros you want." If Spain were any happier he's keel over from it.

Man, why were he friends with such uncool weirdos? Oh yeah, he needed cannon fodder. Duh.

So after some totally AWESOME spy movie worthy stealth action, Prussia and his cronies were in position. Prussia huddled behind a bush that faced his target's overly fancy house. Spain and France were casually walking up to the door. As casual as hookers at a nunnery.

Prussia clutched his video camera and "gift" for Austria, ready to move as soon as he heard the signal. He could feel his excitement growing under his waistband. This is going to be so AWESOME for his blog!

"AAHHHH!"

There was the signal! Prussia peered through the leaves of the bush, Hungary was dragging Spain and France of to… where ever Hungarian cavemen… er, Hungarian cave _women_  drag off their victims. It didn't matter now that the door was clear.

After some  _more_ AWESOME spy movie worthy stealth action, Prussia was in Austria's room. At least he  _think_ he is in Austria's room… there should be a law on how much frills and lace can be in one room… Even girls didn't have THAT much. Whatever, there's more important things than Austria's gaudy taste in décor.

So, after setting up his "gift" and his camera, Prussia fled through the window. He didn't want to be there when that butch bodyguard returned. And he wasn't even worried about his camera. Everything it recorded would be sent to his computer anyways. So for the rest of the afternoon he spent his time cackling madly at his own AWESOME sense of humor and AWESOME pranks. Man, it was a good day to be AWESOME.

And now is the time for the good part of this shitty sequel.

Prussia sat at his AWESOME video editing station in his bedroom. He had a very fulfilling dinner of bratwurst and beer. It was time to sit back for dessert. The excitement had built up so much he had to take off his pants. He didn't want to hurt his poor excitement.

Prussia opened up the saved video; he pressed play while he sat back to let the ensuing hilarity that he, the AWESOME Prussia was about to witness, engulf him. And boy, he was not disappointed!

An effeminate scream was the first thing heard in the video. _"What on earth is this? Why is there a scantily clad potato in my bed?"_

A large potato that would make Russia's left testicle jealous sat on the over-stuffed bed. It was dressed in a tasteful purple G-string and bikini top. A long haired wig flowed down its luscious starch filled body sexily.

It was waiting for— "HOLY EVERYTHING THAT IS AWESOME! WHICH IS ME!" Prussia flung himself back from his computer. He choked on air and tears streamed down his face. He was laughing so damn hard he was going to burst a lung from it.

What happened he would have never expected. Not in a million years of AWESOME existence… that the  _potato_  would be the one topping. Man, he was going to become famous on brazzers.


End file.
